The words are difficult to fully comprehend. I met the most amazing guy, with whom I felt the most intense personal connection almost immediately after we met. I really never knew exactly what his thoughts were about me other than he liked me and found me attractive. We came together almost accidentally and I nearly brushed it aside as just a passing flirtation but something about him drew me back.
We came from different world’s almost. Him, a world traveler, apparently with a good financial position, living near Santa Monica. And me, living in Salem, Oregon, coming out of a long ten years of interspersed joblessness and near bankruptcy. And I had such strong ties to Oregon and the political world in Oregon.
In the past, every time I met a possible boyfriend, he would be scared away because of my leadership role with the Human Rights Campaign or my nearly nonstop work with the Democratic Party of Oregon. I can’t really explain it but I just know that there are at least a couple of wonderful guys I’ve met who walked away as soon as they knew everything I do in the community.
In this case, however, it didn’t seem to be a problem.
Over the course of the month since we first met, we had the most amazing text conversations and even one more amazing phone call. We had conversations about things that I had never discussed with anyone.
I returned to Los Angeles almost a month after we met and we devoted the weekend to really getting to know each other even more. He introduced me to his friend as his boyfriend. We had never talked about that, but it did seem to be that way. He joked that he wanted me to fall madly in love with him. I thought, “well, if things continue the way they are going, that might happen soon” We talked about things we would do together in the future and places we would go together. This was making everything seem so much more real and the connection so much more real.
I had been single for so long that I didn’t even know it it was possible for me to open my heart to someone. He showed me that was possible.
A week later, it was over. I knew that we needed to have a conversation about how we were going to do the long distance thing, but I had already prepared myself for that. I had decided that if this was the real thing, I would do everything to make it work. I could see myself with him for a very long time if things continued as they were going.
I did not know that the conversation to end it would be so short and so final.
I’m ok. This actually gave me motivation to get my career back on track, so I’m actively looking for my next opportunity and that might bring me out of Oregon and into California just because that is where the jobs are.
I still wish there could be more. I miss our daily chats. I still don’t know if he really wants to be friends or what exactly. He never really did tell me if he really liked me, so my natural self doubt is there nagging at me. But I know he liked me. I will miss him.